The Last Post

Hello all!

2012 has been a year of breakthroughs and transitions for me. To solidify leaving the old behind and coming to terms with the new, I have decided no longer to write on this blog. You can find my new blog at www.anastasiyadidok.wordpress.com. I would like to thank everyone who has been reading this blog and sharing their feedback with me. Your encouragement meant the world, and your constructive criticism forced me to look deeper into some issues.

God bless!

A Shadow

One of my friends summarized me for the past year in a half with one sentence: "It's like you turned into a shadow." That description was right on. A shadow has no dimension. It has no shape. It has no personality, no color, and no will of its own. All that a shadow does is follow its person, and it cannot exist apart from them. My relationship has gradually brought me to a formless state where I lost my personality, calling, vision, and identity. As much as I tried to maintain that it wasn't true, my life revolved around that relationship. The breakup, therefore, felt like taking the person away from the shadow. It seemed as if without him I could not exist.

God's love, of course, has a way of turning things around. Immediately after the shadow description came about, He began to speak to me through that example. The first word came from one of the wonderful friends who made sure I have food put in front of me the first week after the breakup (I kept forgetting to eat. But that's definitely over now. Love cannot replace food.) He pointed to the passage in Acts. As Peter walked through the streets, people would bring their sick, and lay them where he was supposed to pass, so that his shadow could touch them and they would be healed. God used a mere shadow to release His power for His purpose.

The second word came the following Sunday, from another friend who happened to be preaching that day. He talked about God creating the earth. "Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters." Genesis 1:2. In six days, God made something formless, empty, and dark (like a shadow!) into a beautiful planet. And at the very end, he breathed life into it.

I am nowhere near completely healed, nor will I be for a while. But I am doing a lot better than I expected. I am holding on to the promises of God to make something beautiful out of the emptiness and darkness. By faith I am holding on to my identity in Jesus Christ. Through Him, I feel alive. Because of Him, I am no longer a shadow.

Only God

How am I doing? Well I'm not crying 24/7 now, but honestly... HORRIBLE. I have never in my life had to go through something this heartbreaking! And I've been through a lot of breakups. Funny thing is, when we were still together, I resented him liking me blond and was dying to go back to brunette. I resented him not wanting to move to New York and spent my days longingly browsing craigslist for jobs and apartments. I resented being with him at the expense of my relationship with friends and family. Most of all, I resented being stuck away from God. And now, what holds true? Only God. I'd happily go platinum if that brought him back into my life. I'd spend my life in ruins of Haiti if that's where he wanted to go. I'd readily give up talking to everyone walking this planet to have him near. The only One making it worth THIS pain is God. And I'm holding on by a thread. Only God.

"Because Your steadfast love is better than life..." Psalm 63:3

Lies

Looking back at the beginning of my relationship, I recognize a mindset of lies which made it easy to fall into it for the long-term. I hope listing them will help someone else to avoid the trap.

1. "I've only ever felt valued and loved when I was dating non-christians vs. christians"

This is only half a lie, as that feeling was real. The danger here lies in comparing being in a relationship with those who don't know Christ personally with being in a relationship with "Christians". What we should be weighing it against instead, is our relationship with God. My ungodly relationship was better than any other one I've been in, which turned my SO into an idol. Everything I was doing was for him, and my life was centered around my relationship. At the end all that good wasn't worth being separated from Christ. Apart from Him I lost my identity.

2. "I am not head over heels in love and am not following my feelings. I'm obviously not going to marry this person, so what's the danger in a little dating and fun?"

The danger lies in being passive and not guarding your heart, which requires action. In my case, a little dating and fun very slowly and gradually turned into the love affair of a lifetime. The catch was that I didn't have to do anything drastic to get to that point. All I had to do is agree to dates, walks, dinners. The love that is developed over time vs. infatuation is a lot stronger and more difficult to let go of later on. It's amazing how separation from God can creep in one little step at a time, like a vine that is beautiful but chokes the plant that it surrounds.

3. "They will probably break up with me anyways. There's no way this will last."

Considering my own track record with relationships, and his reputation as a player, I sincerely didn't foresee anything going beyond a month, at most. I could have bet a million on him finding a new interest fast or me leaving before anyone got hurt. Well, sometimes reputations are dead wrong! Before I knew it, it's been four months. Then six. Then a year. Then difficult for me to leave, and turns out he wasn't going anywhere either.

If you are still in the beginning of the dating game, please don't play with fire, and run for your life. Before it's years too late, you love too much, and someone else takes the place of God in your life.

Blessed

I am truly blessed. It's day three after the execution of the most difficult decision of my life to date. (Or what feels like simply an execution). And right now I am thankful for all of my friends and family. The abundance of response in this difficult time has been overwhelming -- each person who has read this blog has replied in one way or another. The replies have not been "one worders" either. Each response has been thought through, ample with bible texts, encouraging and very very helpful! I am flabbergasted at the amount of people who have been praying for me even though they didn't know what was going on. Message after message has been coming in with "You have been on my mind for a long time. God has been putting it on my heart to pray for you even though I didn't know why. I sensed that you needed prayer." Thank you everyone who has been obedient to the Holy Spirit in this! It's only your prayers and that got me out and that are keeping me sane and afloat right now. God is truly an amazing God who works miracles.

So far the miracles have been the following: on Saturday night a group of old friends (who don't know about what I'm going through) has resurfaced out of nowhere, and I had a great time celebrating one of their birthdays and keeping my mind occupied.

My parents, whom I went to visit over the weekend, have found a new church, and have been attending bible study there, leading to a total break-through in my mother's relationship with God. As a result of that, she was very well spiritually prepared for becoming a counselor to me at this time.

For her own ministry, my mom has set up a workstation consisting of a keyboard, Finale (music software) and a midi sound card. Because of that, (as well as her patience in hand-holding me through every step of the process) one song (from my pile of 50+) has finally been written down.

I am now off to small group. So far my days are filling up pretty fast with God-centered activity. I am trying my best to keep my mind on God and off the pain. Please keep praying.

Reality of Indifference

Please read my previous post here before starting this one.

My game with indifference didn't end well. That's why I haven't written anything for a year and a half. It slowly sucked me into an ungodly relationship with a man who wasn't a hypocrite, but also wasn't a christian. It took close to two years to snap me out of it, of back-and-forth with the Holy Spirit, and at the end, indifference is the last thing that I'm feeling. Incredible indifference didn't save me from incredible pain. I finally left the relationship, in obedience to the Holy Spirit. But I didn't want to. What I am feeling right now is pain, anger, more pain, more pain, more pain. And I hear that's o.k., as those emotions are a natural part of the grieving process. Although with my mind I comprehend that obedience to God can only bring good things because He is a good God, right now the good seems very far away.

If you were one of the people praying for me through the last year and a half, please don't stop. NOW is when I need prayer the most. If you had no clue about what's going on and weren't praying for me, please pray right now. Being needy is not my forte -- I'm used to being the one friends go to for support. Asking for support is difficult; it's humbling. That's what a christian community is for though and I am going to take advantage of it this time. Right now I can only read, write, and listen. I'm not really talking because it makes me cry more. And I've been crying none-stop for the last 72 hours. Had no idea a person has so many tears in them. Please pray for me. If God puts a verse on your heart, please share it with me. Even if I don't respond, please know that I am extremely thankful for it.

I'm thankful for worship music. Praying is difficult because it's also talking and brings on more crying, but when I listen to worship right now, I think "yes, that Jesus, what they're singing, that's what I want to say to You."

I intend to be transparent, as always when I am walking with God. Hopefully some day He can use me to get someone else through a similar situation. Right now there is no energy or spiritual strength in me for that. All I can do is focus on God. Immerse myself in the word and in christian community and fellowship. I missed Jesus. I missed worship. I missed having open conversations with my closest friends. I missed His word. I missed communion. No amount of pain is worse than being separated from God by sin.

What do I fear?

The last sermon at Mars Hill was about fear. At community group the next day many shared their fears. The spectrum was unexpectedly wide: from fear of Pastor Mark to fear of failure. The latter was echoed by several men -- they were particularly afraid of not making enough to provide for their families/future families. As a woman I have to say it was a bit surprising. Maybe because I am still technically under my father's authority/protection, but I have never been afraid that I wouldn't be able to make it financially, especially since I've moved out on my own and realized that paying rent is not the end of the world and a BMW is only needed in places without highly efficient public transportation. Nobody knows what you park in the garage before coming into work in the morning in the city anyways...

Of course, I have fears of my own to add to the pool of diverse examples, but narrowing them down to THE one took a bit of thought. For me, it is the fear of rejection. I'm not exactly sure when this fear started to manifest itself (my guess is 5th grade. If you're curious I'll share, otherwise I'd like to forget that year... Some day). But I have come to realize that it has hindered my life in all aspects ever since: ministry, education, work, personal accomplishments, friendships, relationships.

Ironically, considering my being known as running sarcastic commentary on topics large and small, I take any type of criticism and any "no" extremely personally. Rejection, especially in the areas where I am emotionally invested, hurts me to the core. But in my short lifetime I have discovered an excellent coping mechanism: indifference. I rarely let a friend in too deep. That way if they betray me, it won't hurt. But that comes at a cost of never experiencing what it feels like to trust. I am not emotionally invested into my workplace or colleagues. That way if I get fired or reprimanded I wouldn't care. But that comes at a cost of feeling like a robot more and more each day. Diligent about ministry in the past, lately I have found excuses not to pursue any opportunities and sabotage the ones I do take on. That way there is no chance of failure. But there is also no fulfillment in knowing that I am doing what God called me to do. And finally, deeming Christian men boring hypocrites and instead hanging out with non-christians with whom I know nothing can ever be permanent, has successfully kept me from entering into any relationship that may turn into a lifetime. That way I could never be vulnerable and have my heart broken again. But it also eliminates the possibility of love and a family.

My response to rejection is automatic system shut-down. Any emotion that was lingering towards the topic is immediately cut-off, and the source of infliction is avoided at all costs. This is generally not a good plan if it's a professor who is about to fail you if you won't talk to him about possibilities of bringing up your grade. Or a supervisor who gives you 30 days to start reporting your work instead of "just doing it." In relationships and friendships it translates to me never addressing anything that bugs me. I tolerate close to everything, pushing a person away instead of communicating with them, sometimes immediately, sometimes gradually, and often without them having any clue about what went wrong.

Perhaps this fear is what holds the place of "Lord" in my life, when it should be Jesus. Letting go of it is difficult and painful. But maybe it's time.