The Last Post

Hello all!

2012 has been a year of breakthroughs and transitions for me. To solidify leaving the old behind and coming to terms with the new, I have decided no longer to write on this blog. You can find my new blog at www.anastasiyadidok.wordpress.com. I would like to thank everyone who has been reading this blog and sharing their feedback with me. Your encouragement meant the world, and your constructive criticism forced me to look deeper into some issues.

God bless!

A Shadow

One of my friends summarized me for the past year in a half with one sentence: "It's like you turned into a shadow." That description was right on. A shadow has no dimension. It has no shape. It has no personality, no color, and no will of its own. All that a shadow does is follow its person, and it cannot exist apart from them. My relationship has gradually brought me to a formless state where I lost my personality, calling, vision, and identity. As much as I tried to maintain that it wasn't true, my life revolved around that relationship. The breakup, therefore, felt like taking the person away from the shadow. It seemed as if without him I could not exist.

God's love, of course, has a way of turning things around. Immediately after the shadow description came about, He began to speak to me through that example. The first word came from one of the wonderful friends who made sure I have food put in front of me the first week after the breakup (I kept forgetting to eat. But that's definitely over now. Love cannot replace food.) He pointed to the passage in Acts. As Peter walked through the streets, people would bring their sick, and lay them where he was supposed to pass, so that his shadow could touch them and they would be healed. God used a mere shadow to release His power for His purpose.

The second word came the following Sunday, from another friend who happened to be preaching that day. He talked about God creating the earth. "Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters." Genesis 1:2. In six days, God made something formless, empty, and dark (like a shadow!) into a beautiful planet. And at the very end, he breathed life into it.

I am nowhere near completely healed, nor will I be for a while. But I am doing a lot better than I expected. I am holding on to the promises of God to make something beautiful out of the emptiness and darkness. By faith I am holding on to my identity in Jesus Christ. Through Him, I feel alive. Because of Him, I am no longer a shadow.

Only God

How am I doing? Well I'm not crying 24/7 now, but honestly... HORRIBLE. I have never in my life had to go through something this heartbreaking! And I've been through a lot of breakups. Funny thing is, when we were still together, I resented him liking me blond and was dying to go back to brunette. I resented him not wanting to move to New York and spent my days longingly browsing craigslist for jobs and apartments. I resented being with him at the expense of my relationship with friends and family. Most of all, I resented being stuck away from God. And now, what holds true? Only God. I'd happily go platinum if that brought him back into my life. I'd spend my life in ruins of Haiti if that's where he wanted to go. I'd readily give up talking to everyone walking this planet to have him near. The only One making it worth THIS pain is God. And I'm holding on by a thread. Only God.

"Because Your steadfast love is better than life..." Psalm 63:3

Lies

Looking back at the beginning of my relationship, I recognize a mindset of lies which made it easy to fall into it for the long-term. I hope listing them will help someone else to avoid the trap.

1. "I've only ever felt valued and loved when I was dating non-christians vs. christians"

This is only half a lie, as that feeling was real. The danger here lies in comparing being in a relationship with those who don't know Christ personally with being in a relationship with "Christians". What we should be weighing it against instead, is our relationship with God. My ungodly relationship was better than any other one I've been in, which turned my SO into an idol. Everything I was doing was for him, and my life was centered around my relationship. At the end all that good wasn't worth being separated from Christ. Apart from Him I lost my identity.

2. "I am not head over heels in love and am not following my feelings. I'm obviously not going to marry this person, so what's the danger in a little dating and fun?"

The danger lies in being passive and not guarding your heart, which requires action. In my case, a little dating and fun very slowly and gradually turned into the love affair of a lifetime. The catch was that I didn't have to do anything drastic to get to that point. All I had to do is agree to dates, walks, dinners. The love that is developed over time vs. infatuation is a lot stronger and more difficult to let go of later on. It's amazing how separation from God can creep in one little step at a time, like a vine that is beautiful but chokes the plant that it surrounds.

3. "They will probably break up with me anyways. There's no way this will last."

Considering my own track record with relationships, and his reputation as a player, I sincerely didn't foresee anything going beyond a month, at most. I could have bet a million on him finding a new interest fast or me leaving before anyone got hurt. Well, sometimes reputations are dead wrong! Before I knew it, it's been four months. Then six. Then a year. Then difficult for me to leave, and turns out he wasn't going anywhere either.

If you are still in the beginning of the dating game, please don't play with fire, and run for your life. Before it's years too late, you love too much, and someone else takes the place of God in your life.

Blessed

I am truly blessed. It's day three after the execution of the most difficult decision of my life to date. (Or what feels like simply an execution). And right now I am thankful for all of my friends and family. The abundance of response in this difficult time has been overwhelming -- each person who has read this blog has replied in one way or another. The replies have not been "one worders" either. Each response has been thought through, ample with bible texts, encouraging and very very helpful! I am flabbergasted at the amount of people who have been praying for me even though they didn't know what was going on. Message after message has been coming in with "You have been on my mind for a long time. God has been putting it on my heart to pray for you even though I didn't know why. I sensed that you needed prayer." Thank you everyone who has been obedient to the Holy Spirit in this! It's only your prayers and that got me out and that are keeping me sane and afloat right now. God is truly an amazing God who works miracles.

So far the miracles have been the following: on Saturday night a group of old friends (who don't know about what I'm going through) has resurfaced out of nowhere, and I had a great time celebrating one of their birthdays and keeping my mind occupied.

My parents, whom I went to visit over the weekend, have found a new church, and have been attending bible study there, leading to a total break-through in my mother's relationship with God. As a result of that, she was very well spiritually prepared for becoming a counselor to me at this time.

For her own ministry, my mom has set up a workstation consisting of a keyboard, Finale (music software) and a midi sound card. Because of that, (as well as her patience in hand-holding me through every step of the process) one song (from my pile of 50+) has finally been written down.

I am now off to small group. So far my days are filling up pretty fast with God-centered activity. I am trying my best to keep my mind on God and off the pain. Please keep praying.

Reality of Indifference

Please read my previous post here before starting this one.

My game with indifference didn't end well. That's why I haven't written anything for a year and a half. It slowly sucked me into an ungodly relationship with a man who wasn't a hypocrite, but also wasn't a christian. It took close to two years to snap me out of it, of back-and-forth with the Holy Spirit, and at the end, indifference is the last thing that I'm feeling. Incredible indifference didn't save me from incredible pain. I finally left the relationship, in obedience to the Holy Spirit. But I didn't want to. What I am feeling right now is pain, anger, more pain, more pain, more pain. And I hear that's o.k., as those emotions are a natural part of the grieving process. Although with my mind I comprehend that obedience to God can only bring good things because He is a good God, right now the good seems very far away.

If you were one of the people praying for me through the last year and a half, please don't stop. NOW is when I need prayer the most. If you had no clue about what's going on and weren't praying for me, please pray right now. Being needy is not my forte -- I'm used to being the one friends go to for support. Asking for support is difficult; it's humbling. That's what a christian community is for though and I am going to take advantage of it this time. Right now I can only read, write, and listen. I'm not really talking because it makes me cry more. And I've been crying none-stop for the last 72 hours. Had no idea a person has so many tears in them. Please pray for me. If God puts a verse on your heart, please share it with me. Even if I don't respond, please know that I am extremely thankful for it.

I'm thankful for worship music. Praying is difficult because it's also talking and brings on more crying, but when I listen to worship right now, I think "yes, that Jesus, what they're singing, that's what I want to say to You."

I intend to be transparent, as always when I am walking with God. Hopefully some day He can use me to get someone else through a similar situation. Right now there is no energy or spiritual strength in me for that. All I can do is focus on God. Immerse myself in the word and in christian community and fellowship. I missed Jesus. I missed worship. I missed having open conversations with my closest friends. I missed His word. I missed communion. No amount of pain is worse than being separated from God by sin.

What do I fear?

The last sermon at Mars Hill was about fear. At community group the next day many shared their fears. The spectrum was unexpectedly wide: from fear of Pastor Mark to fear of failure. The latter was echoed by several men -- they were particularly afraid of not making enough to provide for their families/future families. As a woman I have to say it was a bit surprising. Maybe because I am still technically under my father's authority/protection, but I have never been afraid that I wouldn't be able to make it financially, especially since I've moved out on my own and realized that paying rent is not the end of the world and a BMW is only needed in places without highly efficient public transportation. Nobody knows what you park in the garage before coming into work in the morning in the city anyways...

Of course, I have fears of my own to add to the pool of diverse examples, but narrowing them down to THE one took a bit of thought. For me, it is the fear of rejection. I'm not exactly sure when this fear started to manifest itself (my guess is 5th grade. If you're curious I'll share, otherwise I'd like to forget that year... Some day). But I have come to realize that it has hindered my life in all aspects ever since: ministry, education, work, personal accomplishments, friendships, relationships.

Ironically, considering my being known as running sarcastic commentary on topics large and small, I take any type of criticism and any "no" extremely personally. Rejection, especially in the areas where I am emotionally invested, hurts me to the core. But in my short lifetime I have discovered an excellent coping mechanism: indifference. I rarely let a friend in too deep. That way if they betray me, it won't hurt. But that comes at a cost of never experiencing what it feels like to trust. I am not emotionally invested into my workplace or colleagues. That way if I get fired or reprimanded I wouldn't care. But that comes at a cost of feeling like a robot more and more each day. Diligent about ministry in the past, lately I have found excuses not to pursue any opportunities and sabotage the ones I do take on. That way there is no chance of failure. But there is also no fulfillment in knowing that I am doing what God called me to do. And finally, deeming Christian men boring hypocrites and instead hanging out with non-christians with whom I know nothing can ever be permanent, has successfully kept me from entering into any relationship that may turn into a lifetime. That way I could never be vulnerable and have my heart broken again. But it also eliminates the possibility of love and a family.

My response to rejection is automatic system shut-down. Any emotion that was lingering towards the topic is immediately cut-off, and the source of infliction is avoided at all costs. This is generally not a good plan if it's a professor who is about to fail you if you won't talk to him about possibilities of bringing up your grade. Or a supervisor who gives you 30 days to start reporting your work instead of "just doing it." In relationships and friendships it translates to me never addressing anything that bugs me. I tolerate close to everything, pushing a person away instead of communicating with them, sometimes immediately, sometimes gradually, and often without them having any clue about what went wrong.

Perhaps this fear is what holds the place of "Lord" in my life, when it should be Jesus. Letting go of it is difficult and painful. But maybe it's time.

Feeling Down

I don't know if anyone struggles with this phenomenon like I do. But I feel like as soon as I make conscious efforts to stay close to God, read my bible, actually crave God's fellowship, pray and worship, I get an extra strong case of the blues. Whenever I'm feeling a little "whatever" about being consistent in my relationship with God I am completely fine and happy. (Not when I am in sin though.) But when my life is fine, there are no major struggles to go through and I just try to maintain contact with God because I don't want to only run to Him when things are wrong, I start feeling down and alone.

Is that just a form of attack? Will it go away or only get worse? Does anyone else struggle with emotions like that? I tend to get distracted and revert back to being a little "whatever." Which always results in bad decisions and consequences that force me to RUN back to God. But I don't want a repeat of the same mistakes. I am determined to do it different this time...

Cleaning Out Your Life

I had a spare hour today and decided to do some brief dusting and polishing in my apartment. Not an ardent cleaner in any way, mostly because I find better things to do than because I’m not capable of it, it’s a rare occasion that I finally pick up the rag. I finished dusting the countertops and furniture relatively fast, and then looked at the front of my stove. It had a few greasy spots on it here and there, so I proceeded to try and get rid of them. As I was working my way through the annoying little dots, my roommate, sitting a few feet away asked what the heck I am doing. "I’m cleaning the little spots," I replied. “Well, you should look at it from here girl, cuz there’s a lot more on that stove than you’re seeing!” I went over to where she was sitting and looked at the stove. The light was hitting it to reveal stains of grease not visible to the naked eye from where I was standing before. That’s why I missed it all. And that’s why my scrubbing of the little dots seemed ridiculous to her.

I sat down in front of the stove and started polishing off the grease. The cleaning game quickly sucked me in, because now my perspective revealed nooks and corners of the stove that I never paid attention to before and therefore never cleaned. They were full of grease, dirt, and dry leftovers of what once was food. The more I cleaned, the more I realized that there is more cleaning to do. The shining stove now didn’t mesh well with the walls and drawers nearby that had stains on them too. It was becoming a never ending job which would probably take an entire day to take care of! And just to think that only an hour before I didn’t even realize that all that dirt, dust, grease and stains existed!

Our lives are a lot like a dirty kitchen. Occasionally we dust the countertops, and to us it appears as though everything is perfect now. We might even notice the spots if we look a little deeper and start getting rid of them, only to seem ridiculous to the onlookers because we are missing the big mess. It takes the light of God shining on our lives, along with a different perspective spoken by our brothers and sisters in Christ, to realize that we’re stained with grease not visible to the naked eye. And the more we clean, the more we become aware of how much more there is to work on. It’s a long process that takes time and a lot of hard work, as some stains take a lot more than a rag with warm water to clean out. But the end result is a sparkling clean life, pleasing to the eye not just from the top, but from all angles and perspectives.

How would you answer these questions?

I talked with yet another friend last night who asked me why I believe that God exists. I've always known that I believe that, but nobody has ever asked me why. He proceeded to ask even more difficult questions than I've already mentioned in yesterday's post. If God is real, why is there so much evil on this earth? Why are there so many diseases, why are people getting raped, why does a baby's mother have to die at birth? The answer I had right on the spot was that it's a result of people's sin -- but that answer doesn't really apply to diseases or the dying mother, if you think about it. Thankfully, my friend didn't point that out. He asked how I know that God talks to me, whether it's something I know in my mind or feel in my heart. I told him a little bit about all the many different ways God can communicate -- through the Holy Spirit, through other people, through sermons, through songs, and sometimes even audibly.

My friends' main point was this -- if people put as much faith in each other as they put in God, the world would be a much better place. Of course, my counter-argument that the world would be a much better place if people expected LESS from each other didn't fly too well with him. He thought it's a bleak perspective on the world -- and I can understand. After all, if all life feels like is that God is constantly letting you down, where else would you want to put your faith other than other people? And why WOULDN'T you be disappointed when those people are taken away? In my mind, of course, it doesn't make sense to trust people more than I trust God. God has never, ever let me down. People have -- but I didn't expect them not to, and even if I have, God was there to heal and to restore my broken heart or mind, and to fill me with His supernatural joy and peace. God doesn't let people down, that's just not His character. That's why God is God. But how can you explain that to a person who's been through a life of pretty much nothing but pain?

A point that I've heard from two different people already is that no matter what people believe, their religion is just something that is there to help them get through the day, and that's fine because it works for them. The point, of course, seems to be there to make the person talking feel like they're tougher than the rest because they know that God doesn't exist and are realists in their outlook on the world rather than idealists. A little ironic considering the desire for people to have more faith in one another... But nevertheless valid in justifying being stronger than everyone else.

I guess my post today has no point really. I'm just trying to analyze that conversation further and gain some perspective. Any input would be greatly appreciated.

Useless Topics

And I'm back. (Again). To use the gift of writing that God has so graciously bestowed on me about six months ago. I've been away because I was dealing with a "hook" in my own life -- a relationship obstructing my communication with God. I am not going to hide or ignore that it happened, because I said I'll be honest about my walk with God on this blog. But I am not going to discuss this right now either because it's not time yet. The good news is I'm off the "hook" and back on track in my walk with God.

He, in His amazing love, is still using me, even though I mess up all the time. I currently have three ongoing conversations with different unbelievers about Jesus and Christianity, and it's been amazing. Those conversations are forcing me to really research and dig deeper into what I know about God, His word, and His ways. It's also forcing me to find out more about the many different types of movements and beliefs that influence people to think the way they do. The questions asked are quite difficult to answer for a person who has almost zero experience in personal evangelism and cannot foresee a thing (besides the fact that all people are very different and coming from different experiences and influences in life.)

For this very reason it annoys the crap out of me now when I end up in a circle of Christians and the topics of discussion are same old, same old... can we cut our hair? wear makeup? hold hands? wear jewelry? have tattoos? pierce our ears? how about our nose? is it permissible to talk about certain topics from the pulpit? is it a sin to drink alcohol? is it a sin to smoke? how short of a skirt is still appropriate?

HOW USELESS ARE THESE TOPICS?!?!

In conversations with unbelievers that I've had so far, none of them have ever asked what God thinks about any of those! The issues that come up are so much more vast and difficult to even think about, yet are the ones that stand in the way of people's lives being given to Christ. Is Jesus really God, or was He just a good man who taught good things to His disciples? If you kick your live-in boyfriend/girlfriend out of your house, isn't it a conflict of commandments? (thou shalt do unto others... vs. thou shalt not commit adultery); How can you believe in angels or demons if most of the perceived supernatural experiences can now be explained through natural physical phenomena? (i.e. hormonal dis balance, body/brain mis-coordination, etc.) Why should I believe that The Bible IS the word of God? What is the difference between denominations x, y, and z?

I really, REALLY wish that when we gather together as Christians we'd spend more time either worshipping God or discussing ways to answer the more difficult questions that are being raised in the real world, outside of the cozy "Christian" bubble that so many of us are used to. This is not meant as criticism either. It's more of an outcry because other than online, mostly at marshillchurch.org (oh, did I forget to mention the "is Internet from the devil?" and "is pastor Mark Driscoll legit?" discussion questions?), there is no other place to go to figure out what to say and how to answer the difficult questions that come up in conversations with non-Christians. (Reading The Bible for yourself being a given of course.)

Fear of Witnessing

I am smack in the middle of the most amazing experience any Christian can have. I am seeing a life transform. I am seeing it on a personal level, as a close friend, with an opportunity to talk about it, answer questions and concerns, and share God's love. I can't believe that I've been honored to be used as an instrument in God's hands. But more than anything, I can't believe that I haven't trusted God earlier to surrender for His use in other people's lives.

I've been restricted -- restricted by traditions, restricted by religious close mindedness, but most of all, restricted by my own fear -- not exactly sure of what, but probably of people's opinion more than anything else. I've read through chapter 6 of Ephesians many a time, the one where Paul talks about the Armor of God. Every time I've checked off each piece except one. Righteousness -- can work on, but check. Faith -- check. Truth -- check. Salvation -- check. Word of God and prayer -- check. In no way was I ever ready for the gospel -- the "shoes" of the armor. It was ironic, because I even heard a sermon that compared missing that piece to "Achilles Heel" where the serpent strikes for the deadly blow. It added additional fear of being struck down to fear of man already present. But it didn't remove the binding.

I've meditated on the topic for years. I've felt guilty and every time determined to share the gospel with someone. But once reality hit, I just never got up enough courage to talk to that stranger on the bus sitting next to me about Jesus. Nowhere else did I have any close contact with none-Christians. I was surrounded by people who grew up in church and already shared my faith, or knew about it better than I did and chose to stay away. Until I moved to Seattle.

I've been placed in a situation where I can develop close relationships with all kinds of people now. Being removed from traditionalism has opened doors for the gospel, once, with some encouragement from my Christian friends, I realized that I have nothing to lose in sharing my faith while people are really searching for the truth and needing God! From then on, I've been open with every single person I met with for coffee or for lunch about what I believe in. No compromising. I just simply stated that Jesus is such a big part of my life that there's no way I could "respectfully" avoid talking about Him, because apart from Him I am nothing. And they understood! Moreover, they listened. And soon I realized that even devout atheists are really just bound by underlying fears. That people are open to genuine love and care about them, which is what Jesus commanded us to do.

I also saw that God comes through in amazing ways. That miraculously he places people exactly at the right places at the right times. That conversations and unanswered questions are covered almost immediately from the pulpit. That barriers that seemed impenetrable fall down once He works on hearts and opens them up. And that assumptions that we make about people based on the fronts that they so carefully put up are worth nothing in His eyes because He sees the depth of the hearts. And loves each and every person more than we could ever love or care for them.
This is an amazing experience, and I truly wish that every Christian could live through it. It's encouraging, and it reveals God's character in a completely new light. It also brings yet another new freedom -- from guilt in front of God, and from fear of man. It's amazing. It's exciting. It's exhilarating. It's what we live for because it's what Christ died for.

A "Warm" Welcome

If you've ever watched "The Nanny," you might remember the episode when Fran gets married and Mr. Scheffield's sister talks to her before the ceremony. "I'd like to give you a warm welcome into the family," says she. Then, barely touching Fran's shoulder with the tip of her fingers and with the fakest smile on her face she says "Welcome." And Walks away. The feelings of "warmth" from a greeting like this often fill me when I am around people from Church. And no wonder. A couple recent episodes in my life just showed me once again how close-minded some Christians can be.

A man introduced himself after the service yesterday. He asked whom I was texting the entire time. I gladly let him know that it was my friend, and that the friend will be joining me now for the 7:15 service. It's the same friend that I wrote about before -- the one who pronounced themselves to be an atheist. So in a few words I shared the story and my excitement. The words that came out of the guys' mouth next just made me wonder. "Wow, that is really encouraging to hear. I guess like Pastor Mark was saying, if anyone pronounced that to me, I would've just thrown them away and considered them a waste of time. But God doesn't. And it's really impressive that you still befriended that person and cultivated a relationship with them and didn't give up."

Rewind to about three weeks ago to a conversation between people from different churches in a cafe. One of the girls emotionally argued that Mars Hill is an bad place because none-Christians feel comfortable coming there. And why the heck would we want so many of them to come?

The friend, who happens to be Hispanic, pointed out to me after church that there was only one person "darker than them" at church. I've never realized that before, but it says something about a church, and quite frankly, it's very disappointing to me. I'm at a place in my life right now where I am close friends with people of all kinds of different origin. If before racism and intolerance, especially in Russian churches, only bothered me as a concept, now it's personal. My closest friends now are from all over the world. Israel, Mexico, Colombia, Guatemala, Philippines, and of course U.S. and Russia. A lot of them are the ones whose prayers get me through each weeks. But a lot of them aren't Christians (yet.) And I'd love it if every single one of them found Jesus Christ as their personal Savior! After myriads of heart-to-hearts and long-time conversations though, if I bring them to church and the welcome that they feel en masse is the one I described in the first paragraph... Well that just undoes all the love of Jesus Christ that any singular kind soul might have ever shown them.

Anyways. I wouldn't say that I'm too surprised at this attitude. But I guess I'm a little surprised that I found it in Mars Hill. I wonder if the man who I talked to would be inspired to befriend an unbeliever now. And then throw them away after they don't immediately repent when he brings them to church. I wish churches were more tolerant. Not towards sin. But towards sinners, viewing them as God views them -- as His children. The ones whom it will grieve Him deeply to judge at the end because He is first and foremost their Father! And only after that the Judge. Think about this.

Distractions

If you have been reading this blog for a little while, you know that I've been intently praying about the calling on my heart (music), and that God has been coming through in amazing ways (such as getting me a free keyboard). One of the more specific requests that I voiced to God was a clear guidance about the next step I need to take in order for this ministry to start benefiting others. Of course, He has been faithful, and the answer I got was to legibly write down what up to this point I only have on loose pieces of paper and hummed into a recorder (yes, I DID need an answer from God for something this obvious...) This is a task that I am fully equipped for -- both in education and technology. What apparently I'm lacking is dedication and discipline to just sit down and write! Or that's what I thought.

As soon as I decided that this needs to happen, the enemy started to scheme. And it took me a little while to figure out that all the wonderful things happening in my life in reality aren't wonderful at all!!! All of a sudden I started to get very appealing proposals for things to keep me busy. And by "appealing" I mean deals like translating a very interesting book. I (clearly) have a passion for all things that have to do with writing, editing, and translating. Working with an author who has wit, in a addition to a strong point that I agree with, would have been a dream come true. But the Holy Spirit whispered that I need to stay away and focus on music instead.

This is just one example of the kinds of things that have been happening in my life. The reason I finally recognized that they are distractions rather than opportunities was yet another sermon from pastor Mark Driscoll. He talked about how there's a million of good things we could be doing. But they are not the BEST for us to do. And we need to learn to focus on the ministry or calling that God has placed us into, instead of trying to do everything, be everywhere, and talk to everyone

The result of all the distractions in my life (some of which I admit that I easily gave into) is that, since two months ago that God has told me exactly what to do, I have written down a total of three songs. Laughable. Although I am always tempted to excuse myself and say that three is better than none. But the thing is that I also heard God tell me that we are given a limited amount of time for a reason. That message was very random at the time, but now I see how it applies. I'm living on my own now. And I'm the manager of my time -- probably not forever and maybe even not for long. I need to use the time I have to get to know God more and fulfill the purpose that He has for my life and for my ministry.

If you would like to pray for me, please ask for discernment to distinguish between distractions and opportunities, for strength to tactfully combat distractions, and for discipline to actually sit down and write. I'm thankful for the time and tools God has given me to focus on writing down the songs He keeps placing in my heart. I don't want to squander those blessings.

Knowing Where You Stand

My thanksgiving weekend was definitely not what I expected it to be. Eye opening, at the least, it made me aware of just how important it is for me to know why I believe what I believe. After a hefty dinner on Thursday, I was on my way to visit a friend whose church held a youth conference. Somewhat aware of the negative sentiment that that church's leadership held towards Mars Hill, I nevertheless did not attempt to hide that it was a church that I considered home. Naturally, this created several occasions for debate.

It's difficult for me to weave the complexity of what happened into just a few paragraphs. Many factors contributed to the formation of widely accepted opinion about Mars Hill at that place. The leadership's goal for the past year has been to raise awareness about the Emerging Church, and warn their "flock" about the pitfalls and dangers of that movement. However, they seem to be unaware of the difference between Emerging and Emergent. All the attributes that they've given to an Emerging Church are really those of an Emergent Church, which Mars Hill is NOT. But what the leaders have been doing is listing it in the same category with Emergent Village.

Because of that sentiment, those in the church who never bothered to do their research, but zealously stand behind their pastor's opinion, actively participated in the naturally created debates with us, people from Mars. As funny as it sounds -- and always what the enemy's goal is for Christians to do -- the debate centered around appearances. Mars Hill just doesn't LOOK godly. The music is too loud. After that conversation one of my friends admitted that she hated how those were the only arguments they could think of because we are right, it DOESN'T matter. And that she wants to do more research to figure out what is REALLY wrong with Mars Hill.

I could sense the disappointment when upon the question of "did you get anything out of the conference?" all I could say is that it was a nice review. Andy Snider did a basic overview of Modernism and Postmodernism. But Pastor Mark has already done several way more in-depth sermons on these, as well as on the pitfalls and dangers of the Emergent Church movement. All I can say is that it was a difficult situation for me to be in. I didn't enjoy the conference. I didn't enjoy the tremendous effort it took for me to be loving towards people who were hating on my church. But I'm glad that the experience made me more aware of the importance of ME knowing the difference between Emerging and Emergent.

It also made me more thankful. Thankful that God has placed me in an amazing city where there is an amazing church that I can be a part of. Thankful for Mark Driscoll and the in-depth way in which he teaches the Bible. Thankful for the rest of Mars Hill team who make his sermons easily accessible. Thankful for my parents, who have taught me the importance of discernment from a VERY early age. Thankful for like-minded friends from Mars Hill, and especially those who were also at this conference, with whom I can share my thoughts and feelings about this experience. But most importantly, I'm thankful for God's Word. I'm thankful that He left us something to rely on, and that it's alive and talking today to everyone individually, always applicable, no matter what the situation.

This is a helpful sermon that Mark preached on the topic of the Emerging Church.

Instant Answer

On the verge of panicking myself into an anxiety attack this morning, not knowing what to worry about more, in utter desperation I bowed my head and said to God that once again my life is in utter disorder in more than one aspect, that I don't know how I got to that point and don't know where to start and how to fix it -- but I want out. Immediately I felt a huge dosage of piece come over me -- not completely pushing out anxiety, but drowning out enough of it to get me moving through projects at work. Within a few hours I accomplished a bunch of tasks. While I was on it, I listened to one of the sermons in the Nehemiah series, preached by pastor Mark Driscoll about three or so years ago. (Nothing like a sermon to get you going...)

The sermon was on "Leading and Laboring" and concentrated mostly on organizational abilities of churches, companies, and leaders. There technically should have been nothing in it to speak to my current woes. But of course God works better than any logic that we have. So I will simply share Mark's words, exactly how he spoke them smack in the middle of an otherwise almost irrelevant to my situation, albeit very entertaining and interesting, sermon.

"... I would say for some of you, this is even a general principle that applies to your own lives. You're tired, you're burnt-out, you're frustrated, you're broke, you're not doing so well health wise. So what you're saying is "I need to run faster, try harder, do more." The issue may be: No, you need to pull back. Stop working IN your life, and work ON it. Do you need to change your place of employment, your diet, your exercise, your schedule, your budget? Do you need to drop outstanding obligations that you can no longer fulfill? Companies need to do this as well, all the time. Individuals must do this also.

One of the indicators that God gives us when we reach those places is pain: physical pain, financial pain, relational pain, emotional pain. It's God's way of saying "it's time to work on your life, not just in it. The treadmill's too fast -- you are not keeping up. It's time to get off and re-look at everything."

Let's just say that it's absolutely amazing to me how God can use old sermons to speak today. And that this time I'm not as head-first into everything that's making me anxious, so it shouldn't be as painful as the last time I had to spring-clean my life. I'm thankful that He keeps speaking to me. Keeps working on me. And keeps pulling me out of mistakes that apparently I tend to make over and over again. It's time to de-clutter. And for those of you who'll be involved -- I apologize ahead of time. But I'm burnt out. I need to get off the treadmill.

R-71 -- You signed for it to go on the ballot. Now VOTE!!!

Ever since I got my ballot in the mail I've been a little afraid. Churches had a mass-movement to sign the petition to put Senate bill 5688 on the ballot. And people signed R-71 en masse. But I don't think everyone was aware of what exactly they were signing -- I wasn't at first. The Referendum only accomplished putting this bill on the voting ballot by getting enough signatures. It did not change any decisions that have been made. In order to make the bill pass or not pass people now need to vote - on, or before November 3, 2009.

If you are a registered voter, please don't forget to exercise your rights this November! If going to a voting location is too much trouble, you can request an absentee ballot from http://www.piercecountywa.org/pc/abtus/ourorg/aud/elections/voterservices/vbmrequest.htm. (The form takes about ten seconds to fill out!) If you don't receive your ballot in time for Pierce, you can go and vote at a polling location. Find the list by clicking on "Polling Places" on http://www.piercecountywa.org/pc/abtus/ourorg/aud/elections/main.htm. King County votes entirely by mail now.

I received this blog post in an e-mail this morning -- extremely timely. I am re-posting it, as it gives a perspective of both sides. (Read the comments.) All I will say about it is that I wish the first one-word comment was not there. I do not endorse it or agree with it, and am reluctant to put a link to that in my post. But the rest of the stuff is pretty good and is worth reading, so please do. And then please vote.

http://www.spokesman.com/stories/2009/oct/25/persecuted-should-know-better/#comments

Thankful

I have been blessed with two wonderful small groups where every week I have a chance to spend time with beautiful people, open up to them, hear them open up, and pray. And for the past several weeks these groups have been nothing but a constant reminder of how blessed I am to have what I have. Hearing about other people's struggles has filled my heart with overwhelming gratitude for having almost a perfect life. And even though Thanksgiving is a month away, I just want to share all the things that I have been thankful for lately and the stories -- no names mentioned -- that made me more aware of those blessings.

I am thankful for my family, and especially for the fact that they are close. There isn't just one prayer request that came up in recent group discussions where someone asked for unity in the family, restoration of the family, and more open relationships with parents, siblings, and spouses. There is an overwhelming sense of wanting to belong with the people that are most dear to our hearts. There is a yearning for security and stability in relationships with a unit that is supposed to automatically accept you as you are, but often does not. It's not that I wasn't aware of the fact that my family is a blessing before. But lately I have been extra thankful for it. Perhaps the only completely open, accepting, and secure relationship that I have is with my family. I know that I belong there. I know that my home is a place where I'll be taken care of and accepted, no matter what! And home is only an hour away. So I can tap into that security literally at any moment that I want! My family is what I value most, and I can't believe that I am the one who was blessed to have that relationship in the middle of the world where people view it as an exception.

Another thing I'm thankful for is my apartment. I'm thankful that it's cozy, warm, safe, and secure. I'm thankful that I can afford it. I'm thankful that my landlord is normal. And I'm thankful that I'm at a place in life where I can have a space that is entirely my own and that I love coming back to every day. Both of my prayer groups lately have had people struggle with finding a good living situation. Some of them went through waters and fires to find a suitable place to settle down. Others have been looking for compatible roommates and struggling with deciding or even finding an honest person to live with. Their prayers made me way more appreciative of something that - I hate to admit - I took more for granted at first. By His grace, God has made the transition from my parents' house into my own so smooth and painless that I thought that this is the way it always works. And I'm just overwhelmingly appreciative of this now that I see what people go through just to find A place to live -- not to mention a place they love, like I love mine.

I'm thankful for my job. As much as it's not a dream job, I have to admit that I get it pretty easy. Within certain restrictions, I am pretty much on my own time. I've been blessed with a supervisor that people only wish for -- the kind that protects his team and looks for resources to aid them in their work instead of nitpicking on every mistake and micromanaging every step. The amount of work that I do can often be overwhelming. But at least it's not the kind that I have to worry about before going to bed at night. And an overwhelming amount of work is much better than no work. Especially in this economy. My position is secure. I have no reason to worry about being fired. My benefits are excellent. And my department is for the most part awesome -- I get along with everyone. I respect our director and am learning a ton of things from him, as well as from my supervisor. And the pay, although not exactly anybody's dream salary, is more than enough to pay for my bills, trips, and entertainment without getting into debt. I hear people praying for situations that seem insanely overwhelming to me. Bosses that yell and don't deal with glaring issues. Situations that are unethical, at the least, which supervisors choose to close their eyes on. Unfair compensation, unreasonable hours, and unfathomable co-workers. All those thing just make me extra thankful for what I have but often don't value.

I am thankful for all the Christians who surround me. I see people who struggle with loneliness and don't have that resource available to them. I got depressed on Monday. That feeling only lasted for a couple hours. And the reason for a quick recovery from something that people struggle with for years is a community of Jesus -loving people who were praying for me or were just there to talk to me and surround me with love. God centered fellowship made me snap out of it faster than anything esle could have. But there are so many people out there who don't have that! They don't have people they trust and can be open enough to pray with. They don't have unjudgmental understanding, and support. All they have is an overwhelming avalanche of emotions to deal with all on their own -- a difficult task at the least! I've been blessed with an incredible amount of people through whom God pours out His love on me in a competely tangable way! And I'm very thankful for that.

I feel cradled in God's arms. I feel like He takes care of me really well, and sometimes seemingly much better than of the people around -- although I KNOW that it's not true because He loves EVERYONE. I don't deserve it. But I am out of my mind thankful for it.

Katy's Essay

My friend Katy allowed me to repost this. It's an essay she has written for one of her bible school classes. It can most definitely relate...

"Hindrance of the gospel in the Slavic Church"

"What is the purpose and mission of the church on earth? Is it not to be Jesus’ hands and feet? In His everlasting mercy, God brought many Slavic immigrants to the United States for a better chance at life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness. The question now is: What is the purpose and mission of the Slavic Church in the land of the free? It should still be the same. However, through my experience of growing up in such a church, I have realized that it has lost focus of this mission. It has forgotten the Spirit and character of Jesus’ teachings. He preached salvation through grace, not works, and that one cannot achieve a state of being “good” because everyone is in dire need of repentance. Jesus entrusted us with the Great Commission, teaching that the church must be missional. It must go out and tell people about Him in the community, city, and the world (NIV Acts 1:8).

Jesus said, “Therefore go and make disciples of all nations, baptizing them in the name of the Father and of the Son and of the Holy Spirit, and teaching them to obey everything I have commanded you” (NIV Matthew 28:19). When people from the former USSR immigrated to the United States, they started Russian-speaking churches because it was the easiest thing to do. This in itself is not a bad thing. I understand that people who move to another country often have difficulty fitting in. It makes complete sense to gather together with a community that is comfortable: from the same country, culture, and language. However, it becomes a major problem when a church like this stops being missional. I have seen this happen far too many times. A group of Slavic believers gather as a church, and get so caught up in themselves and their traditions that they forget the community that God has placed them in. They become a stagnant church, a church that only serves itself. Because of its traditionalism, which easily develops into a religion of its own, the Slavic Church, perhaps unwillingly, becomes very segregated against people who are not like it. Growing up in a church like this, I looked down on American Christians because I was led to believe that the majority of American churches were not true Christians based on the fact that they did not honor God like we did by their outward appearance. This separation from those who are not like it, resulted in the church not being mission-oriented in its community. The Slavic Church must concentrate on being missional in the community where God placed it and accept everyone like Jesus did through grace. The church must become a church that Christ wanted it to be – His hands and feet.

Jesus’ vision for His church can be summed up in the word, “grace.” Grace teaches that God loves us in spite of what we do, not because of it. He demonstrated His love by dying for us while we were yet sinners (NIV Romans 5:8). Therefore, we are at this time the recipients of His love unconditionally, even though we are sinners. It is in no way about what we can do to earn God’s love. A mentality that I have seen in the Slavic Church strongly believes in salvation through obedience to the law and tradition. In essence, the belief states, “If one follows the rules that we have established, God will love them. However, if one does not follow these rules, God will not love them.” This contradicts and belittles God’s grace. Not only is it not true, but it is deceiving, misleading and a hindrance for the gospel. One elderly lady, a member of a Slavic Church in the area, told me once, “You will not get into heaven because your ears are pierced and your makeup is excessive.” However, in Galatians 2:6, I read: “God does not judge by external appearance.” In Jesus’ day, the Pharisees were obsessed with following the law to the dot. If they were doing the right thing, why was Jesus so upset with them? Why did Jesus justify his disciples for “breaking the tradition of the elders” and eating with unwashed hands (NIV Matthew 15:2)? He said that it is not what goes in the mouth that makes one unclean, “but the things that come out of the mouth come from the heart, and these make a man ‘unclean’” (15:17). He was infuriated with the Pharisees for focusing so much of their attention on the outward, which ultimately did not matter, and completely overlooking the inward, which was utterly important. All of these rules and traditions put forth by Slavic churches are precisely what hinder the gospel. How is one supposed to come to Christ if they are told about a God who loves them conditionally, depending on how good they are? This mentality is what the Slavic Church constantly battles with. I am not calling the church to completely stop doing works because “faith without deeds is dead” (NIV James 2:26). However, it is grace that should be the motivation to works, not faith alone. What compels us to respond with action, is realizing that we, who are undeserving, are loved by a magnificent God.

Everyone is a sinner. “For all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God” (NIV Romans 3:23). No one measures up to God’s standards of holiness and purity, except through Jesus Christ alone. This is precisely why grace is so important. The gospel teaches that there are bad people who choose to repent and bad people who choose to stay unrepentant (Mark Driscoll). Legalists believe themselves to be righteous and justified by their actions. Jesus disagrees. He calls them “hypocrites” and “white washed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of dead men’s bones and everything unclean” (NIV Matthew 23:27). This self-righteous mentality makes them painfully exclusive, which is the very opposite of Jesus’ gospel. It results in them pushing people further away from the gospel instead of opening their arms to offer acceptance like Jesus did. They do open their arms to people. But those people must look a certain way as well as agree to adhere to certain rules and traditions in order to be accepted. Their acceptance of people is very conditional and not in the least all-loving. Jesus is inviting everyone to be a part of the church. Who are we to think we have authority to decide if some people are better suited to be the church than others, solely based on whether or not they fit the parameters we set up for them; parameters that we somehow come up with and then add to the Bible? It is like the words of the song that say, “Jesus paid much too high a price for us to pick and choose who should come” (Casting Crowns “If We Are the Body”).

The Slavic Church in the United States has gotten carried away in religion and has forgotten its first love for Jesus. The church has ceased to be missional and continues to unwittingly turn people away from the gospel because of its standards of “holiness.” The legalists who fill the church ignore and belittle grace by trying to attain God’s favor by works. They arrogantly view themselves as “good” people because they follow the law. This is a very dangerous position to be in. This attitude is the reason why people have stopped coming to Christ through the Slavic Church. It is the biggest hindrance to the gospel and it must be stopped. There is nothing more disgusting than a church that does not live out what it preaches. A church like this brings condemnation upon itself. It is time to let go of the traditions and legalism. They are not working. It is not worth it to be holding on to a culture while turning people away from Christ. It is all about Jesus. It is not about religion, but about relationship. Instead of doing everything to hinder the gospel, let us do everything to open the way for Jesus to be glorified! Nothing else matters."

The Things Obstructing God's Voice

I've been thinking about this post for about a week but haven't had time to write because of an overwhelming backup at work. But now I'm all caught up, and finally back to writing. The topic that God has placed on my heart has been prompted by an uncomfortable situation that forced me to analyze and re-evaluate a few things in my life. For a little while -- maybe a week or two -- I stopped reading my Bible. Have no misconceptions -- this HAS happened before. But ever since my dedication last November, whenever routine takes over and I don't read, it feels suffocating. It literally feels like someone has cut off the source of energy from me and I slowly lose my strength. I hunger for the word and especially for the fellowship with God that it allows.

Ironically, right during the time of my rut a friend invited me out for coffee. The friend is not a believer, but expressed excitement about hearing more about God during text messaging the night before. This made me uber-excited, perhaps a little too soon, because the next message completely threw me off. "If I respect your faith, will you respect my decision to be an atheist?" How would you respond to that? With little time to think, and knowing that I can only reply correctly with the help of the Holy Spirit, I said a quick prayer and listened. Sure enough, an answer came in a few seconds. But they felt like a lifetime. And during the tiny delay that almost threw me into panic I realized that there were a bunch of things occupying my mind that were completely in the way of God's voice!

After analyzing this situation, the meaning of the verse "All things are lawful, but not all things edify." (1 Cor. 10:23) came to me in a brand new light. Growing up in a traditional Russian baptist church, I was used to strict rules: don't smoke, don't drink, don't dance, don't listen to music, don't wear short skirts, don't watch TV. Unfortunately restrictions never really came with convincing explanations about why those things aren't supposed to be done. And naturally, without an explanation, the rules were followed only by those who never question what they're told or are deathly afraid of upsetting their parents. (A good thing. Until you are stuck in the rut of legalism and miss the whole point of Christianity.)

I am positive that for everything restricted there are millions of good reasons. But one of them especially stood out to me that night. Like trying to listen to a sermon on a radio frequency that is far away and is being used by another station closer, all the things that are addictive or just not edifying obstruct our connection with God. The music we listen to, the movies that we watch, the books that we read and the magazines that we look at, all contribute to a huge salad of thoughts that occupy our mind. The more influences there are, the more difficult it becomes to distinguish which one is speaking at which time. And the reason that it's important to stay away from all those influences as much as possible, is the ability to hear and recognize God's voice quickly in situations when you're put on the spot.

God is always faithful. He never fails to give us wisdom in an emergency. He often speaks in unexpected ways through mediums that we might think are already too familiar to get anything out of -- songs, places, people. But in order to show His faithfulness and love to others, we need to be filled with Him. We need to be read-up, prayed-up, worshipped-out, and constantly alert. We also need to stay away from anything that obstructs His voice and quickly repent once convicted, before any small sin puts a wedge between our relationship with God and draws us further and further away from His love. Only then it will be easier to instantly recognize His voice in difficult situations, and truly show His love to others out of the overflow of it in our own lives, without compromising principles, values, and convictions.