The last sermon at Mars Hill was about fear. At community group the next day many shared their fears. The spectrum was unexpectedly wide: from fear of Pastor Mark to fear of failure. The latter was echoed by several men -- they were particularly afraid of not making enough to provide for their families/future families. As a woman I have to say it was a bit surprising. Maybe because I am still technically under my father's authority/protection, but I have never been afraid that I wouldn't be able to make it financially, especially since I've moved out on my own and realized that paying rent is not the end of the world and a BMW is only needed in places without highly efficient public transportation. Nobody knows what you park in the garage before coming into work in the morning in the city anyways...
Of course, I have fears of my own to add to the pool of diverse examples, but narrowing them down to THE one took a bit of thought. For me, it is the fear of rejection. I'm not exactly sure when this fear started to manifest itself (my guess is 5th grade. If you're curious I'll share, otherwise I'd like to forget that year... Some day). But I have come to realize that it has hindered my life in all aspects ever since: ministry, education, work, personal accomplishments, friendships, relationships.
Ironically, considering my being known as running sarcastic commentary on topics large and small, I take any type of criticism and any "no" extremely personally. Rejection, especially in the areas where I am emotionally invested, hurts me to the core. But in my short lifetime I have discovered an excellent coping mechanism: indifference. I rarely let a friend in too deep. That way if they betray me, it won't hurt. But that comes at a cost of never experiencing what it feels like to trust. I am not emotionally invested into my workplace or colleagues. That way if I get fired or reprimanded I wouldn't care. But that comes at a cost of feeling like a robot more and more each day. Diligent about ministry in the past, lately I have found excuses not to pursue any opportunities and sabotage the ones I do take on. That way there is no chance of failure. But there is also no fulfillment in knowing that I am doing what God called me to do. And finally, deeming Christian men boring hypocrites and instead hanging out with non-christians with whom I know nothing can ever be permanent, has successfully kept me from entering into any relationship that may turn into a lifetime. That way I could never be vulnerable and have my heart broken again. But it also eliminates the possibility of love and a family.
My response to rejection is automatic system shut-down. Any emotion that was lingering towards the topic is immediately cut-off, and the source of infliction is avoided at all costs. This is generally not a good plan if it's a professor who is about to fail you if you won't talk to him about possibilities of bringing up your grade. Or a supervisor who gives you 30 days to start reporting your work instead of "just doing it." In relationships and friendships it translates to me never addressing anything that bugs me. I tolerate close to everything, pushing a person away instead of communicating with them, sometimes immediately, sometimes gradually, and often without them having any clue about what went wrong.
Perhaps this fear is what holds the place of "Lord" in my life, when it should be Jesus. Letting go of it is difficult and painful. But maybe it's time.
Tuesday, October 26, 2010
Wednesday, April 28, 2010
Feeling Down
I don't know if anyone struggles with this phenomenon like I do. But I feel like as soon as I make conscious efforts to stay close to God, read my bible, actually crave God's fellowship, pray and worship, I get an extra strong case of the blues. Whenever I'm feeling a little "whatever" about being consistent in my relationship with God I am completely fine and happy. (Not when I am in sin though.) But when my life is fine, there are no major struggles to go through and I just try to maintain contact with God because I don't want to only run to Him when things are wrong, I start feeling down and alone.
Is that just a form of attack? Will it go away or only get worse? Does anyone else struggle with emotions like that? I tend to get distracted and revert back to being a little "whatever." Which always results in bad decisions and consequences that force me to RUN back to God. But I don't want a repeat of the same mistakes. I am determined to do it different this time...
Is that just a form of attack? Will it go away or only get worse? Does anyone else struggle with emotions like that? I tend to get distracted and revert back to being a little "whatever." Which always results in bad decisions and consequences that force me to RUN back to God. But I don't want a repeat of the same mistakes. I am determined to do it different this time...
Sunday, April 25, 2010
Cleaning Out Your Life
I had a spare hour today and decided to do some brief dusting and polishing in my apartment. Not an ardent cleaner in any way, mostly because I find better things to do than because I’m not capable of it, it’s a rare occasion that I finally pick up the rag. I finished dusting the countertops and furniture relatively fast, and then looked at the front of my stove. It had a few greasy spots on it here and there, so I proceeded to try and get rid of them. As I was working my way through the annoying little dots, my roommate, sitting a few feet away asked what the heck I am doing. "I’m cleaning the little spots," I replied. “Well, you should look at it from here girl, cuz there’s a lot more on that stove than you’re seeing!” I went over to where she was sitting and looked at the stove. The light was hitting it to reveal stains of grease not visible to the naked eye from where I was standing before. That’s why I missed it all. And that’s why my scrubbing of the little dots seemed ridiculous to her.
I sat down in front of the stove and started polishing off the grease. The cleaning game quickly sucked me in, because now my perspective revealed nooks and corners of the stove that I never paid attention to before and therefore never cleaned. They were full of grease, dirt, and dry leftovers of what once was food. The more I cleaned, the more I realized that there is more cleaning to do. The shining stove now didn’t mesh well with the walls and drawers nearby that had stains on them too. It was becoming a never ending job which would probably take an entire day to take care of! And just to think that only an hour before I didn’t even realize that all that dirt, dust, grease and stains existed!
Our lives are a lot like a dirty kitchen. Occasionally we dust the countertops, and to us it appears as though everything is perfect now. We might even notice the spots if we look a little deeper and start getting rid of them, only to seem ridiculous to the onlookers because we are missing the big mess. It takes the light of God shining on our lives, along with a different perspective spoken by our brothers and sisters in Christ, to realize that we’re stained with grease not visible to the naked eye. And the more we clean, the more we become aware of how much more there is to work on. It’s a long process that takes time and a lot of hard work, as some stains take a lot more than a rag with warm water to clean out. But the end result is a sparkling clean life, pleasing to the eye not just from the top, but from all angles and perspectives.
I sat down in front of the stove and started polishing off the grease. The cleaning game quickly sucked me in, because now my perspective revealed nooks and corners of the stove that I never paid attention to before and therefore never cleaned. They were full of grease, dirt, and dry leftovers of what once was food. The more I cleaned, the more I realized that there is more cleaning to do. The shining stove now didn’t mesh well with the walls and drawers nearby that had stains on them too. It was becoming a never ending job which would probably take an entire day to take care of! And just to think that only an hour before I didn’t even realize that all that dirt, dust, grease and stains existed!
Our lives are a lot like a dirty kitchen. Occasionally we dust the countertops, and to us it appears as though everything is perfect now. We might even notice the spots if we look a little deeper and start getting rid of them, only to seem ridiculous to the onlookers because we are missing the big mess. It takes the light of God shining on our lives, along with a different perspective spoken by our brothers and sisters in Christ, to realize that we’re stained with grease not visible to the naked eye. And the more we clean, the more we become aware of how much more there is to work on. It’s a long process that takes time and a lot of hard work, as some stains take a lot more than a rag with warm water to clean out. But the end result is a sparkling clean life, pleasing to the eye not just from the top, but from all angles and perspectives.
Friday, February 19, 2010
How would you answer these questions?
I talked with yet another friend last night who asked me why I believe that God exists. I've always known that I believe that, but nobody has ever asked me why. He proceeded to ask even more difficult questions than I've already mentioned in yesterday's post. If God is real, why is there so much evil on this earth? Why are there so many diseases, why are people getting raped, why does a baby's mother have to die at birth? The answer I had right on the spot was that it's a result of people's sin -- but that answer doesn't really apply to diseases or the dying mother, if you think about it. Thankfully, my friend didn't point that out. He asked how I know that God talks to me, whether it's something I know in my mind or feel in my heart. I told him a little bit about all the many different ways God can communicate -- through the Holy Spirit, through other people, through sermons, through songs, and sometimes even audibly.
My friends' main point was this -- if people put as much faith in each other as they put in God, the world would be a much better place. Of course, my counter-argument that the world would be a much better place if people expected LESS from each other didn't fly too well with him. He thought it's a bleak perspective on the world -- and I can understand. After all, if all life feels like is that God is constantly letting you down, where else would you want to put your faith other than other people? And why WOULDN'T you be disappointed when those people are taken away? In my mind, of course, it doesn't make sense to trust people more than I trust God. God has never, ever let me down. People have -- but I didn't expect them not to, and even if I have, God was there to heal and to restore my broken heart or mind, and to fill me with His supernatural joy and peace. God doesn't let people down, that's just not His character. That's why God is God. But how can you explain that to a person who's been through a life of pretty much nothing but pain?
A point that I've heard from two different people already is that no matter what people believe, their religion is just something that is there to help them get through the day, and that's fine because it works for them. The point, of course, seems to be there to make the person talking feel like they're tougher than the rest because they know that God doesn't exist and are realists in their outlook on the world rather than idealists. A little ironic considering the desire for people to have more faith in one another... But nevertheless valid in justifying being stronger than everyone else.
I guess my post today has no point really. I'm just trying to analyze that conversation further and gain some perspective. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
My friends' main point was this -- if people put as much faith in each other as they put in God, the world would be a much better place. Of course, my counter-argument that the world would be a much better place if people expected LESS from each other didn't fly too well with him. He thought it's a bleak perspective on the world -- and I can understand. After all, if all life feels like is that God is constantly letting you down, where else would you want to put your faith other than other people? And why WOULDN'T you be disappointed when those people are taken away? In my mind, of course, it doesn't make sense to trust people more than I trust God. God has never, ever let me down. People have -- but I didn't expect them not to, and even if I have, God was there to heal and to restore my broken heart or mind, and to fill me with His supernatural joy and peace. God doesn't let people down, that's just not His character. That's why God is God. But how can you explain that to a person who's been through a life of pretty much nothing but pain?
A point that I've heard from two different people already is that no matter what people believe, their religion is just something that is there to help them get through the day, and that's fine because it works for them. The point, of course, seems to be there to make the person talking feel like they're tougher than the rest because they know that God doesn't exist and are realists in their outlook on the world rather than idealists. A little ironic considering the desire for people to have more faith in one another... But nevertheless valid in justifying being stronger than everyone else.
I guess my post today has no point really. I'm just trying to analyze that conversation further and gain some perspective. Any input would be greatly appreciated.
Thursday, February 18, 2010
Useless Topics
And I'm back. (Again). To use the gift of writing that God has so graciously bestowed on me about six months ago. I've been away because I was dealing with a "hook" in my own life -- a relationship obstructing my communication with God. I am not going to hide or ignore that it happened, because I said I'll be honest about my walk with God on this blog. But I am not going to discuss this right now either because it's not time yet. The good news is I'm off the "hook" and back on track in my walk with God.
He, in His amazing love, is still using me, even though I mess up all the time. I currently have three ongoing conversations with different unbelievers about Jesus and Christianity, and it's been amazing. Those conversations are forcing me to really research and dig deeper into what I know about God, His word, and His ways. It's also forcing me to find out more about the many different types of movements and beliefs that influence people to think the way they do. The questions asked are quite difficult to answer for a person who has almost zero experience in personal evangelism and cannot foresee a thing (besides the fact that all people are very different and coming from different experiences and influences in life.)
For this very reason it annoys the crap out of me now when I end up in a circle of Christians and the topics of discussion are same old, same old... can we cut our hair? wear makeup? hold hands? wear jewelry? have tattoos? pierce our ears? how about our nose? is it permissible to talk about certain topics from the pulpit? is it a sin to drink alcohol? is it a sin to smoke? how short of a skirt is still appropriate?
HOW USELESS ARE THESE TOPICS?!?!
In conversations with unbelievers that I've had so far, none of them have ever asked what God thinks about any of those! The issues that come up are so much more vast and difficult to even think about, yet are the ones that stand in the way of people's lives being given to Christ. Is Jesus really God, or was He just a good man who taught good things to His disciples? If you kick your live-in boyfriend/girlfriend out of your house, isn't it a conflict of commandments? (thou shalt do unto others... vs. thou shalt not commit adultery); How can you believe in angels or demons if most of the perceived supernatural experiences can now be explained through natural physical phenomena? (i.e. hormonal dis balance, body/brain mis-coordination, etc.) Why should I believe that The Bible IS the word of God? What is the difference between denominations x, y, and z?
I really, REALLY wish that when we gather together as Christians we'd spend more time either worshipping God or discussing ways to answer the more difficult questions that are being raised in the real world, outside of the cozy "Christian" bubble that so many of us are used to. This is not meant as criticism either. It's more of an outcry because other than online, mostly at marshillchurch.org (oh, did I forget to mention the "is Internet from the devil?" and "is pastor Mark Driscoll legit?" discussion questions?), there is no other place to go to figure out what to say and how to answer the difficult questions that come up in conversations with non-Christians. (Reading The Bible for yourself being a given of course.)
He, in His amazing love, is still using me, even though I mess up all the time. I currently have three ongoing conversations with different unbelievers about Jesus and Christianity, and it's been amazing. Those conversations are forcing me to really research and dig deeper into what I know about God, His word, and His ways. It's also forcing me to find out more about the many different types of movements and beliefs that influence people to think the way they do. The questions asked are quite difficult to answer for a person who has almost zero experience in personal evangelism and cannot foresee a thing (besides the fact that all people are very different and coming from different experiences and influences in life.)
For this very reason it annoys the crap out of me now when I end up in a circle of Christians and the topics of discussion are same old, same old... can we cut our hair? wear makeup? hold hands? wear jewelry? have tattoos? pierce our ears? how about our nose? is it permissible to talk about certain topics from the pulpit? is it a sin to drink alcohol? is it a sin to smoke? how short of a skirt is still appropriate?
HOW USELESS ARE THESE TOPICS?!?!
In conversations with unbelievers that I've had so far, none of them have ever asked what God thinks about any of those! The issues that come up are so much more vast and difficult to even think about, yet are the ones that stand in the way of people's lives being given to Christ. Is Jesus really God, or was He just a good man who taught good things to His disciples? If you kick your live-in boyfriend/girlfriend out of your house, isn't it a conflict of commandments? (thou shalt do unto others... vs. thou shalt not commit adultery); How can you believe in angels or demons if most of the perceived supernatural experiences can now be explained through natural physical phenomena? (i.e. hormonal dis balance, body/brain mis-coordination, etc.) Why should I believe that The Bible IS the word of God? What is the difference between denominations x, y, and z?
I really, REALLY wish that when we gather together as Christians we'd spend more time either worshipping God or discussing ways to answer the more difficult questions that are being raised in the real world, outside of the cozy "Christian" bubble that so many of us are used to. This is not meant as criticism either. It's more of an outcry because other than online, mostly at marshillchurch.org (oh, did I forget to mention the "is Internet from the devil?" and "is pastor Mark Driscoll legit?" discussion questions?), there is no other place to go to figure out what to say and how to answer the difficult questions that come up in conversations with non-Christians. (Reading The Bible for yourself being a given of course.)
Wednesday, January 13, 2010
Fear of Witnessing
I am smack in the middle of the most amazing experience any Christian can have. I am seeing a life transform. I am seeing it on a personal level, as a close friend, with an opportunity to talk about it, answer questions and concerns, and share God's love. I can't believe that I've been honored to be used as an instrument in God's hands. But more than anything, I can't believe that I haven't trusted God earlier to surrender for His use in other people's lives.
I've been restricted -- restricted by traditions, restricted by religious close mindedness, but most of all, restricted by my own fear -- not exactly sure of what, but probably of people's opinion more than anything else. I've read through chapter 6 of Ephesians many a time, the one where Paul talks about the Armor of God. Every time I've checked off each piece except one. Righteousness -- can work on, but check. Faith -- check. Truth -- check. Salvation -- check. Word of God and prayer -- check. In no way was I ever ready for the gospel -- the "shoes" of the armor. It was ironic, because I even heard a sermon that compared missing that piece to "Achilles Heel" where the serpent strikes for the deadly blow. It added additional fear of being struck down to fear of man already present. But it didn't remove the binding.
I've meditated on the topic for years. I've felt guilty and every time determined to share the gospel with someone. But once reality hit, I just never got up enough courage to talk to that stranger on the bus sitting next to me about Jesus. Nowhere else did I have any close contact with none-Christians. I was surrounded by people who grew up in church and already shared my faith, or knew about it better than I did and chose to stay away. Until I moved to Seattle.
I've been placed in a situation where I can develop close relationships with all kinds of people now. Being removed from traditionalism has opened doors for the gospel, once, with some encouragement from my Christian friends, I realized that I have nothing to lose in sharing my faith while people are really searching for the truth and needing God! From then on, I've been open with every single person I met with for coffee or for lunch about what I believe in. No compromising. I just simply stated that Jesus is such a big part of my life that there's no way I could "respectfully" avoid talking about Him, because apart from Him I am nothing. And they understood! Moreover, they listened. And soon I realized that even devout atheists are really just bound by underlying fears. That people are open to genuine love and care about them, which is what Jesus commanded us to do.
I also saw that God comes through in amazing ways. That miraculously he places people exactly at the right places at the right times. That conversations and unanswered questions are covered almost immediately from the pulpit. That barriers that seemed impenetrable fall down once He works on hearts and opens them up. And that assumptions that we make about people based on the fronts that they so carefully put up are worth nothing in His eyes because He sees the depth of the hearts. And loves each and every person more than we could ever love or care for them.
This is an amazing experience, and I truly wish that every Christian could live through it. It's encouraging, and it reveals God's character in a completely new light. It also brings yet another new freedom -- from guilt in front of God, and from fear of man. It's amazing. It's exciting. It's exhilarating. It's what we live for because it's what Christ died for.
I've been restricted -- restricted by traditions, restricted by religious close mindedness, but most of all, restricted by my own fear -- not exactly sure of what, but probably of people's opinion more than anything else. I've read through chapter 6 of Ephesians many a time, the one where Paul talks about the Armor of God. Every time I've checked off each piece except one. Righteousness -- can work on, but check. Faith -- check. Truth -- check. Salvation -- check. Word of God and prayer -- check. In no way was I ever ready for the gospel -- the "shoes" of the armor. It was ironic, because I even heard a sermon that compared missing that piece to "Achilles Heel" where the serpent strikes for the deadly blow. It added additional fear of being struck down to fear of man already present. But it didn't remove the binding.
I've meditated on the topic for years. I've felt guilty and every time determined to share the gospel with someone. But once reality hit, I just never got up enough courage to talk to that stranger on the bus sitting next to me about Jesus. Nowhere else did I have any close contact with none-Christians. I was surrounded by people who grew up in church and already shared my faith, or knew about it better than I did and chose to stay away. Until I moved to Seattle.
I've been placed in a situation where I can develop close relationships with all kinds of people now. Being removed from traditionalism has opened doors for the gospel, once, with some encouragement from my Christian friends, I realized that I have nothing to lose in sharing my faith while people are really searching for the truth and needing God! From then on, I've been open with every single person I met with for coffee or for lunch about what I believe in. No compromising. I just simply stated that Jesus is such a big part of my life that there's no way I could "respectfully" avoid talking about Him, because apart from Him I am nothing. And they understood! Moreover, they listened. And soon I realized that even devout atheists are really just bound by underlying fears. That people are open to genuine love and care about them, which is what Jesus commanded us to do.
I also saw that God comes through in amazing ways. That miraculously he places people exactly at the right places at the right times. That conversations and unanswered questions are covered almost immediately from the pulpit. That barriers that seemed impenetrable fall down once He works on hearts and opens them up. And that assumptions that we make about people based on the fronts that they so carefully put up are worth nothing in His eyes because He sees the depth of the hearts. And loves each and every person more than we could ever love or care for them.
This is an amazing experience, and I truly wish that every Christian could live through it. It's encouraging, and it reveals God's character in a completely new light. It also brings yet another new freedom -- from guilt in front of God, and from fear of man. It's amazing. It's exciting. It's exhilarating. It's what we live for because it's what Christ died for.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
