Blessed

I am truly blessed. It's day three after the execution of the most difficult decision of my life to date. (Or what feels like simply an execution). And right now I am thankful for all of my friends and family. The abundance of response in this difficult time has been overwhelming -- each person who has read this blog has replied in one way or another. The replies have not been "one worders" either. Each response has been thought through, ample with bible texts, encouraging and very very helpful! I am flabbergasted at the amount of people who have been praying for me even though they didn't know what was going on. Message after message has been coming in with "You have been on my mind for a long time. God has been putting it on my heart to pray for you even though I didn't know why. I sensed that you needed prayer." Thank you everyone who has been obedient to the Holy Spirit in this! It's only your prayers and that got me out and that are keeping me sane and afloat right now. God is truly an amazing God who works miracles.

So far the miracles have been the following: on Saturday night a group of old friends (who don't know about what I'm going through) has resurfaced out of nowhere, and I had a great time celebrating one of their birthdays and keeping my mind occupied.

My parents, whom I went to visit over the weekend, have found a new church, and have been attending bible study there, leading to a total break-through in my mother's relationship with God. As a result of that, she was very well spiritually prepared for becoming a counselor to me at this time.

For her own ministry, my mom has set up a workstation consisting of a keyboard, Finale (music software) and a midi sound card. Because of that, (as well as her patience in hand-holding me through every step of the process) one song (from my pile of 50+) has finally been written down.

I am now off to small group. So far my days are filling up pretty fast with God-centered activity. I am trying my best to keep my mind on God and off the pain. Please keep praying.

Reality of Indifference

Please read my previous post here before starting this one.

My game with indifference didn't end well. That's why I haven't written anything for a year and a half. It slowly sucked me into an ungodly relationship with a man who wasn't a hypocrite, but also wasn't a christian. It took close to two years to snap me out of it, of back-and-forth with the Holy Spirit, and at the end, indifference is the last thing that I'm feeling. Incredible indifference didn't save me from incredible pain. I finally left the relationship, in obedience to the Holy Spirit. But I didn't want to. What I am feeling right now is pain, anger, more pain, more pain, more pain. And I hear that's o.k., as those emotions are a natural part of the grieving process. Although with my mind I comprehend that obedience to God can only bring good things because He is a good God, right now the good seems very far away.

If you were one of the people praying for me through the last year and a half, please don't stop. NOW is when I need prayer the most. If you had no clue about what's going on and weren't praying for me, please pray right now. Being needy is not my forte -- I'm used to being the one friends go to for support. Asking for support is difficult; it's humbling. That's what a christian community is for though and I am going to take advantage of it this time. Right now I can only read, write, and listen. I'm not really talking because it makes me cry more. And I've been crying none-stop for the last 72 hours. Had no idea a person has so many tears in them. Please pray for me. If God puts a verse on your heart, please share it with me. Even if I don't respond, please know that I am extremely thankful for it.

I'm thankful for worship music. Praying is difficult because it's also talking and brings on more crying, but when I listen to worship right now, I think "yes, that Jesus, what they're singing, that's what I want to say to You."

I intend to be transparent, as always when I am walking with God. Hopefully some day He can use me to get someone else through a similar situation. Right now there is no energy or spiritual strength in me for that. All I can do is focus on God. Immerse myself in the word and in christian community and fellowship. I missed Jesus. I missed worship. I missed having open conversations with my closest friends. I missed His word. I missed communion. No amount of pain is worse than being separated from God by sin.