A Shadow

One of my friends summarized me for the past year in a half with one sentence: "It's like you turned into a shadow." That description was right on. A shadow has no dimension. It has no shape. It has no personality, no color, and no will of its own. All that a shadow does is follow its person, and it cannot exist apart from them. My relationship has gradually brought me to a formless state where I lost my personality, calling, vision, and identity. As much as I tried to maintain that it wasn't true, my life revolved around that relationship. The breakup, therefore, felt like taking the person away from the shadow. It seemed as if without him I could not exist.

God's love, of course, has a way of turning things around. Immediately after the shadow description came about, He began to speak to me through that example. The first word came from one of the wonderful friends who made sure I have food put in front of me the first week after the breakup (I kept forgetting to eat. But that's definitely over now. Love cannot replace food.) He pointed to the passage in Acts. As Peter walked through the streets, people would bring their sick, and lay them where he was supposed to pass, so that his shadow could touch them and they would be healed. God used a mere shadow to release His power for His purpose.

The second word came the following Sunday, from another friend who happened to be preaching that day. He talked about God creating the earth. "Now the earth was formless and empty, darkness was over the surface of the deep, and the Spirit of God was hovering over the waters." Genesis 1:2. In six days, God made something formless, empty, and dark (like a shadow!) into a beautiful planet. And at the very end, he breathed life into it.

I am nowhere near completely healed, nor will I be for a while. But I am doing a lot better than I expected. I am holding on to the promises of God to make something beautiful out of the emptiness and darkness. By faith I am holding on to my identity in Jesus Christ. Through Him, I feel alive. Because of Him, I am no longer a shadow.

Only God

How am I doing? Well I'm not crying 24/7 now, but honestly... HORRIBLE. I have never in my life had to go through something this heartbreaking! And I've been through a lot of breakups. Funny thing is, when we were still together, I resented him liking me blond and was dying to go back to brunette. I resented him not wanting to move to New York and spent my days longingly browsing craigslist for jobs and apartments. I resented being with him at the expense of my relationship with friends and family. Most of all, I resented being stuck away from God. And now, what holds true? Only God. I'd happily go platinum if that brought him back into my life. I'd spend my life in ruins of Haiti if that's where he wanted to go. I'd readily give up talking to everyone walking this planet to have him near. The only One making it worth THIS pain is God. And I'm holding on by a thread. Only God.

"Because Your steadfast love is better than life..." Psalm 63:3

Lies

Looking back at the beginning of my relationship, I recognize a mindset of lies which made it easy to fall into it for the long-term. I hope listing them will help someone else to avoid the trap.

1. "I've only ever felt valued and loved when I was dating non-christians vs. christians"

This is only half a lie, as that feeling was real. The danger here lies in comparing being in a relationship with those who don't know Christ personally with being in a relationship with "Christians". What we should be weighing it against instead, is our relationship with God. My ungodly relationship was better than any other one I've been in, which turned my SO into an idol. Everything I was doing was for him, and my life was centered around my relationship. At the end all that good wasn't worth being separated from Christ. Apart from Him I lost my identity.

2. "I am not head over heels in love and am not following my feelings. I'm obviously not going to marry this person, so what's the danger in a little dating and fun?"

The danger lies in being passive and not guarding your heart, which requires action. In my case, a little dating and fun very slowly and gradually turned into the love affair of a lifetime. The catch was that I didn't have to do anything drastic to get to that point. All I had to do is agree to dates, walks, dinners. The love that is developed over time vs. infatuation is a lot stronger and more difficult to let go of later on. It's amazing how separation from God can creep in one little step at a time, like a vine that is beautiful but chokes the plant that it surrounds.

3. "They will probably break up with me anyways. There's no way this will last."

Considering my own track record with relationships, and his reputation as a player, I sincerely didn't foresee anything going beyond a month, at most. I could have bet a million on him finding a new interest fast or me leaving before anyone got hurt. Well, sometimes reputations are dead wrong! Before I knew it, it's been four months. Then six. Then a year. Then difficult for me to leave, and turns out he wasn't going anywhere either.

If you are still in the beginning of the dating game, please don't play with fire, and run for your life. Before it's years too late, you love too much, and someone else takes the place of God in your life.