Faithful Friend

So I spent a good couple hours writing, proof reading, and editing a really heartfelt post. And then it got erased. At first I figured it's not meant to be. But after a little analysis I figured someone must have REALLY needed to hear what I had to say, and the enemy was, of course, there to meddle and disrupt things. Fortunately, God has blessed us with a wonderful capability called "memory." So after a few minutes I was able to restore, pretty accurately, what I have written before. So here is, to the best of my ability, a heartfelt post dedicated to all my friends.

In fear that if a non-believer should read it, it might turn them off to church completely, I still published my previous post. I want to be open about all of my experiences in the walk with God. But immediately after publishing it, and as if to counter-balance what it said, God has placed a desire on my heart to share the miracle that he has accomplished in my life in the past year. That miracle is true, fulfilling, God-centered friendships. And not just a couple of them.

It all started last November, when I dedicated my life to Christ at the Disciple's conference in Everett, WA. That's not when I got saved. I've been saved and serving since I was 10. This call was to fully commit our entire lives to God, holding nothing back, and after a heck of an internal struggle, I did it. And that changed EVERYTHING.

My pointless lifestyle was the first thing that had to go. I am not saying that it was bad, because it wasn't. I wasn't getting drunk, smoking, doing drugs or sleeping around. But my life wasn't centered around Christ. Music, coffee, hanging out, doing stuff -- yes. But Christ wasn't in on it all. And any attempts to bring Him in  felt awkward, unwanted and unwelcome. So I gradually detached myself.

It felt like ripping duct tape off a fresh burn. Growing apart with friends who have been there through thick and thin inflicted insane amounts of pain. It's not like any of us planned for it -- at least I didn't. But more and more I felt like I didn't belong. And that translated into my relationships. Friendships started feeling unnatural and less and less open. Eventually, they withered away. And was I happy about all the time I suddenly had to spend with Jesus? Not at the least.

I felt unloved, unwanted, betrayed, uncertain, insecure, bored, lonely and alone. The world as I knew it for three years slowly fell apart. But I was determined not to go back to it, no matter how out of my comfort zone it all felt. And Jesus was determined to help me. The biggest fear of mine was not being invited places and having anything to do on a given night. The thought of having nowhere to go on a weekend threw me into panic. (Never mind that the few weekends I did spend at home in the past were the most revitalizing and relaxing ones ever!) But by God's grace my fear didn't realize even once since I left my comfy crowd. And by now, I can actually safely say that it's completely gone.

Another thing that killed were all the memories of old friends and moments springing up around every corner throughout the city. For a while I didn't even want to consider getting to know anyone new. All I needed were MY girls. But once I gave people a chance, God poured amazing friendships into my life. Some were brand new. Some were restored. Some I didn't put as much effort into as I should have (But I'm hoping it's not too late! Ana, Ani, Ally...) And some turned into something amazing that I never knew existed before -- friendships where Christ was the center. It's priceless when you can tell a friend anything and their first reaction is to pray with you and for you. You can't buy a friend who will tell you the honest truth and you will trust it because you know they are in a loving relationship with Christ and are saying things to you out of love instead of spitefulness, resentment, or selfishness. It's indescribable when Christ is the glue that holds a friendship together. Because that glue is eternal, and will never go away, no matter what happens.

I'll admit. I'm not as emotionally attached to... or I should rather say dependent on... any of my girls right now as I was on the friends before. But I am actually being deliberately careful not to allow that again, because the only individual on whom we should depend is Christ. He is the only faithful friend we can ever fully count on. But at least I know now that my desire to cultivate a frienship around Christ is reciprocated by the other side. That we can be honest and open with one another without holding anything back. And I learned that apparently I have a lot more of myself to give to others than I ever imagined I had time and energy for. I am praying for, and excited for what God has in store for each and every one of those new relationships. The pain from my past is almost gone, and instead I now have overwhelming joy that only God can give. There isn't a day though when I don't pray for my old relationships to be restored. But only in Him.

To all my loves -- old and new: Jenny, Eva, Dina, Diana, Tane4ka, Inna, Anna, Veroni4ka, Vika, Anya, Melissa, Tembi, Carlette, Lido4ka, Alenka, Liduska,  Lyuba, Angela, Jennster, Sveto4ka, Ira, Sonka, Natashka, Maria, Aryana, Ana, Katy, and Ally.