Music Musings

My friend's visit two weekends ago has blessed me in more than one way. Contemplations of those blessings will probably be evident in my writing for weeks to come. One of the major things she did is remind me, for the umpteenth time, about my dedication to keep the music I listen to clean. Now, this project is a lifetime endeavor. I have struggled with it for YEARS. But every time the battle becomes easier and easier to win. The enemy though, never ceases to amaze me with all sorts of new methods of attack! Conversely, God is always great in providing the strength for winning each and every single one of them. It's true that the only way to win those battles is to let the Holy Spirit fight for you instead of doing it on your own! But one of the major thoughts that has helped me in this fight, as well as others, is that Jesus already won the battle on the cross! We are no slaves to sin now. We actually have the power and the choice to say no to it!

But back to music I go. The first time I heard the call of the Spirit to give up all secular music, I was shocked. I was definitely not prepared to do so right away either. I struggled with the thought for a couple years, before I finally gave in one day. Yes. YEARS. Don't judge me. You have no idea how much I love music. Love is not even the word. I am jealous about music. I am jealous about its quality, harmony, melody and rhythm. And would you PLEASE finally admit that there is WAY less quality Christian music available than secular one. And keep in mind that my narrow-minded self only likes rap, hip-hop and R&B, and not so much rock and alternative -- the directions most popular Christian artists tend to choose.

Especially in Russian churches, a popular belief is that we should worship God in "simplicity and humility". Making music that requires a little more thought, work, talent, or education, is generally frowned upon. As a result, Russian music is for the most part at least a couple decades behind modern technology used to create soundtracks and to record. There are, of course, notable exceptions. But I can probably name all of them off the top of my head. And five fingers would be enough to finish counting. (If you know something I don't know, PLEASE do tell. I am most certainly still on the lookout for good Russian Christian music!)

American music is of course more widely available, but still doesn't even compare in its amounts to what the world has to offer. This said, of course it took me forever to finally give in to the call of the Spirit to give up my HUGE music collection and narrow it down to just Christian artists, which constituted about 1/20th of it. But one day I did it -- erasing everything secular I had in i-tunes, and destroying any secular cd's that I owned. Difficult? You bet! But what relief I remember feeling after I was done! It always feels GOOD to finally obey God. It's never easy though.

A clean i-pod though, as good as it was of a start, was just a start. On days a bad mood struck, I would find myself rushing to the radio stations, abundantly fruitful in supplying "instant fix" music that filled the soul for a couple days, but left me more empty in the long run, as well as more distant from God. Friends back then definitely didn't share my conviction to clean up the music act, making avoiding it even more difficult. What's the point of having a clean i-pod if you are spending more than half your life in cars with people who are dedicated to making theirs filthy? And no, my weak attempts to influence their decisions brought no results -- just utter annoyance, which I actually shared deep deep deep down. It was like trying to quit smoking while living in the smoke room. Pretty soon I was back in the rut -- listening to whatever I wanted to. God, of course, worked through that road block as well -- in a painful way that you've all read about (or can read about in my post http://blogaboutfaith.blogspot.com/2009/09/faithful-friend.html).

But the enemy is only too resourceful. I soon found myself browsing youtube for music to serve as background while I accomplished meaningless data-entry tasks [that I have way too many of] at work. Since it wasn't i-pod or radio, I felt free to listen to whatever I want. (Don't you LOVE my logic? hehe) And then I found myself wondering why God felt distant. Of course, being as loving as He is, He showed me, once again, what the problem was. And once again I struggled to choose to give the music up. This rollercoaster has been going on since the first time I decided to dedicate my ears to God. But once again, it's been easier and easier to win every time. It takes way less time to realize now that I'm back to where I started. The internal struggle takes a lot less effort. So if you are going through something similar, please don't feel discouraged! PLEASE choose to obey God in this again and again, no matter how many times you get off track.

Let me tell you why. What you listen to has an enormous spiritual impact and influence over your life. That's why it can have such a strong hold on you and be so difficult to give up. The catch is that the spiritual part of it will want you back once you give up on it. So after you decide to get closer to God, it will attack you. For me, it's always very scarily, close to being literal. The enemy wants you to think that you will only feel comfortable when you are back to listening to all you want. But it's a lie. Because when it has a strong grip on you, it can torment you in ways that God will NEVER allow when you are in direct communication with Him. Sounds scary? It was terrifying for me.

For years, I would wake up at night, in panic and cold sweat because I felt aware that something/someone else was in the same room with me. Once awake, memories of stories heard as a child about seeing spiritual beings, as well as images from the only horror film I've ever seen (by accident too. Knowing about this phenomenon in my life, I knew to stay away at all costs.) would rush through my mind. I would lay paralyzed and mute, afraid to move or take a breath, praying in my head with all my might for God's protection over my house, my room, my bed, my body, and my mind. It took forever to link this fear to the music that I listened to. But once I realized it, giving up music didn't feel any easier for some reason. But finally doing so, in collaboration with each room in our house being prayed over before we moved in, made the episodes completely go away.

Right now I actually often feel the opposite way. Once I give up the music, the enemy attacks. Not nearly as strongly as before. But I start feeling depressed, incomplete, and fearful, and it takes a while to get through. What I know though, is that all the devil wants is for me to go back to the comfort zone of the music instead of running to God for protection, identity and joy. He wants the control he had through that music back in my life. And what I know is that I don't want it back in my life. True, it gives temporary satisfaction, but in the long run the effects are terrifying. If you are not feeling them, it only means that the enemy has numbed you. It DOES effect your life. In ways you don't even know. Maybe I was just blessed enough to feel those attacks in a more concrete way and to realize that it IS affecting me (no that I would want those "blessings" back by any means...)

For the millionth time, I am declaring that I give up listening to secular music. I hope this is the last time that lasts for good, but I don't want to be cocky. I am relying entirely on the Holy Spirit for strength to do this, and it's still not that easy. But I'd like to thank my girl Diana for encouraging me to do this once again. At least now I know that I'm not the only "weirdo" who thinks that God is serious in His call to keep what we listen to clean and destroy everything that's not. I have a lot of respect for you girl, and now you'll know that I totally understand what you went through by cleaning up your cd's. And all the rest of you... clean them up. Don't let the devil have a channel through which he controls your mind. It's not something to play with. It's something that can turn your life into a horror film.